Visiting Alan

 I went to his spot today.  I had been missing  him for a long time.  Had wished he had lived longer so I could talk to him about our sons.  I missed his grunts of reassurance, which surprising worked to heal the unknown.

He was such an enigma as a person.  So black and white.  Much like myself.  We had a love, hate relationship.  We fought a lot, and we also had some great moments that I wouldn't trade for anything.  There are no perfect days, just perfect moments.  These are the moments that haunt me.  These moments haunt people who lose someone they truly loved.  That look, or that flash of smile, that laughter in the rain or even while in pain.

He was so distant emotionally sometimes and yet who do things for you to show you he loved you in his work and through his at home projects.  He was a good father in one way and a 'bad' one in others.  Again, this is something he would show the boys through things he would do for them and be the strength and take on their pain.  Is that really a bad father though?  If he was unable to sit down and talk to you man to man, or tell you words you needed to hear or look you straight in the eye and say comforting praises like I am proud of you.  Sometimes fathers are a result of their fathers before them.  There is a song by Mike and the Mechanics, In the Living Years  that illustrate the very same thing.

When Al left us, I realized how much he did for us.  I guess that's really what I wanted to say to him.  It was cold and the wind blew hard again my face while I tried to find the words looking at this wall with his name on a plague.  I couldn't feel a connection at all.  In fact I felt silly instead, so the words just wouldn't come so I took pictures instead when words failed me.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w&index=2&list=FLdg-RS31tFFV_49dy9quEoQ

Did you catch a glimpse?

In all of those years, in almost half of our lives

did you ever catch a glimpse?

I think we did once.

It was across the kitchen table

with bills to the left and baby bottles to the right

We must have been tired, it happened late one night.

It was like we saw into each other's soul

without words, but with undeniable truth

it almost happened

but we turned away instead

I think there were tears, I don't remember

But it was after Christmas, maybe late December.

In all of the battles we fought against each other

instead of living in peace

Did you ever catch a glimpse?

Did you know who you were hurting and who would

hurt in the end?

Did you know we could have been friends?

What about the little boy who lives inside you

did you know you hurt him most of all?

the one who you neglected, who was abused

the one you hated most of all for being afraid

did you pick him up and say everything's okay?

I would have helped you know, I tried to, God knows

but it was me who was punished

for all the things you didn't say, for all that you

couldn't control,

You know, I would have stayed,

if you only caught a glimpse.

Bomb Laden Hills

Ever since I was a little girl,

I saw the world through wondrous eyes

Of crystal-lit waters under moonlit skies

Of Green fields under colored rainbows

And early morning cries-

Of red-breasted robins

And herring fishes that jumped out

Of water onto porcelain dishes.

Of pale sheers that fluttered

Through stained-glass windows

Between oak ladened shutters

Ever since I was a little girl

I saw the world with wondrous eyes

Undistorted with flaws or long

Sharp claws of greed and hunger and lies

Undisturbed by human pain

Of gunshot wounds, financial ruins

And the bite of acid rain.

Of filthy waters under bomb-laden hills

Of crack cocaine, needles, alcohol and pills.

Untouched by the harm brought

To a child

Unscathed by the extinction of the

Call of the wild.

Ever since I was a little girl

I looked at the world through wondrous eyes

So what ever happened to paradise?